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Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Friday, 26 October 2012

ODD QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT..... OR MAYBE NOT!


 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so; do we say “It’s all right”? Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That really hurt you dumb sh*t, why don’t you watch where you’re going?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea…. Does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Do Lipton Tea employees take “coffee breaks”?

If a cow laughed would milk come out of her nose?

Why, why, why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And the last one….. The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK? (then, it’s you!)

REMEMBER, a day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like …… night!!!


Saturday, 25 December 2010

SOME FUNNY CHRISTMAS QUOTES




Some funny Christmas quotes to handle with a little smile a quiet Christmas afternoon....

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. (Anonymous)

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. (Phyllis Diller)

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. (Jay Leno)

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. (Anonymous)

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet. (Anonymous)

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. (Tom Sims)

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. (Bernard Manning)

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. (Anonymous)

You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger. (Robert Paul)

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.  (Richard Lamm)

Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas. (John Cleese, "Monty Python")

Monday, 6 December 2010

SOME JOKES TO GET US INTO THE CHRISTMAS MOOD


Christmas is getting near and I thought some jokes would be great to help us getting into the Christmas mood. Here you are!







Damn climate change!


THE END  (for now..............)

Saturday, 27 November 2010

TOURISTS AND NATIONALITIES...... SOME HUMOR FOR THE WEEKEND


Last summer I read an article on the internet about tourists and nationalities that made me laugh for a while, the author is a Spanish writer called Arturo Perez-Reverte and the title is "Hola Manolo, mucho barato" (Hello Manolo, much cheaper), since I had still kept it, I post it here in order for you to have a good time too, reading it during the weekend and forgetting about the cold winter which is coming close to us (weather forecast for Spain tells about having snow, rain and much, much cold). And remember:  humor is good for our health.


"There is a nice visual exercise, interesting when you travel with little to do. Sitting, for example, on the terrace of the bar opposite the National Museum of Kyoto, or under the watch of the city of Prague, or the Pont des Arts, toward the Louvre. In any place where groups of tourists traveling led by a guide who stands up, experienced and professional, a flag, a handkerchief at the end of a stick or an umbrella. The thing is, looking appearance and behavior of individuals, to establish by far their nationality.

There are groups with which, using stereotypes, never fails. I thought about it a few days ago, in Rome, seeing a tall, handsome priest in black shirt sleeves clergyman neck with elegant beige sweaters hanging from the shoulders and brown water shoes. Attentive but somewhat absent air, as if his kingdom is not of this world. The conclusion was obvious: priests from Boston, New England or thereabouts. Contrasted with another group close: men with jovial ruddy peasant Sunday best, legitimate clucking separate their stuff, and young daughters following them with reluctance, wearing pants low cash and navels in the air, riddled with piercings. No need to hear them talk Frenchy to put them in deep rural France. I think I even heard them to cry: "By Toutatis!".

When you have the trained eye, a first look set the nationality of each batch. So far, when short ones could be confused with teenagers, the Japanese are recognized because they follow the guide, usually a young girl and also Japanese, with extraordinary discipline: never throw anything on the ground or blow their snot, photograph all from the same place and at the same time, and just half hour queuing in the rain to get on a gondola in Venice or to drink sangria in a stage flamenco de La Coruña. All of them also wear Louis Vuitton bags.

Identify the English is easy: they are those who speak no language other than their own and carry a can of beer in each hand at nine o'clock in the morning. As for the infantry gringos, middle class and Midwestern, they are distinguished by their graceful gait, the passionate conversations of his lungs on the price of corn in Arkansas, and especially by the pathetic way they have, and especially them, when they are white Anglo-Saxon origin, to become complacent with the friendly waiters, vendors and other classes subordinate of the countries visited. 

The Germans also put them sucked. There is much blonde, the guys are big, they all walk together and in Prussian order  and stand exactly where they stand, half tend to be sucked from six in the afternoon, and when traveling in Europe some parents explain to young children not without tender emotion subsidiary: "Look, my children, this town was burned by granddaddy in the year forty-one, he demolished this restored monument in forty-three, this Jewish neighborhood was cleaned by Uncle Hans in the forty- five".

But the Spanish are simply unmistakable: even Africans tell us when they see us coming near, before we open our mouths, "Hello, Manolo, much cheaper." We are the ones who after raggling half a rupee to a street vendor, leave huge tips in bars and restaurants. Those who fearlessly assert that, given a Ribera del Duero, the wines of Tuscany or Bordeaux are the Don Simon (a cheap wine packaged in carton). We are the ones that after purchasing from a store based on "ies", "nou" and "espensiv mach", we said: "We do not even know English." We are the ones who photograph anything and any place, interesting or not, where there is a forbidding taking photos sign. In order to identify us there is not possible mistake when a guide is talking to himself and about, scattered and ignoring him, the Spanish group buying poscards, sitting in a bar in the shade, taking photos on other sites or taking a "meadilla" (a little pee) behind the pyramid. And when, after fifteen minutes in vain talk, the poor guide gather the group again to follow the route, there's always someone who is coming from buying postcards, see the Taj Mahal and asks: "And what is this?".

Have a nice weekend with a smile!

Sunday, 19 September 2010

SOME SUNDAY MORNING HUMOUR

IT COULD BE WORSE

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to Dad.

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, I had to elope with new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.

We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know hot to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love. Your son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that’s in my centre desk drawer.

I love you,
Call me when it’s safe to come home……

Friday, 20 August 2010

MORE JOKES ABOUT WOMEN ..... AND MEN


Again I am going for another holiday break (this time on the beach, some people have family little villages to go, but in mi case I have retired parents living half of the year in the beach, not bad, I tell you!), but meanwhile I am leaving in the blog a humour post about women..... and men (yes, the same old "battle of the sexes" story, you know!) for you to enjoy and laugh for a while. I'll be back in a few days!

Okay, okay, it finally all makes sense now…. I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist

AND…..
When we have REAL trouble, it’s a
HISterectomy

Ever notice how all of the female problems start with MALES???


THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

Favorite drink:

Age 17: Wine coolers
Age 25: White wine
Age 35: Red wine
Age 48: Dom Perignon
Age 66: Shot of Jack with a chaser

Excuses for refusing dates:

17: Need to wash my hair
25: Need to wash and condition my hair
35: Need to colour my hair
48: Need to have Francois color my hair
66: Need to have Francois color my wig

Favorite sports:

17: Shopping
25: Shopping
35: Shopping
48: Shopping
66: Shopping

Definition of successful dates:

17: Burger King
25: Free meal
35: A diamond
48: A bigger diamond
66: Home alone

Favorite Fantasy:

17: tall, dark and handsome
25: tall, dark and handsome with money
35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48: a man with hair (preferably not on back)
66: a man

Ideal Date:

17: He offers to pay
25: He pays
35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66: He can chew breakfast


THE WOMEN POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep.
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed.
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

MEN ARE LIKE

Blenders
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why

Chocolate bars
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips

Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long

Commercial
You can’t believe a word they say

Computers
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory

Coolers
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

Horoscopes
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong

Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion

Parking spots
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small

Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while

Weather
Nothing can be done to change either one of them






Thursday, 12 August 2010

A YOUNG CHINESE MAN AT JEREZ'S FAIR


Just for a smile (or to have some laughs!) in the weekend.....
Have a nice time!


Friday, 9 July 2010

SOME JOKES FOR A MUGGY WEEKEND


ABOUT WOMEN…….AND MEN

There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were me and one woman.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
…… All of the men started clapping.

Top 10 things men know about women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8
9.
10.

One day God called Adam to him and said: “Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
“The good news”, replied Adam.
“Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain”.
“Ok” said Adam warily. “And what’s the bad news?”
“I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
- They already have boyfriends.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors and half the time they don’t work.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
- It changes their blood type.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

And a last one about Ryanair.... apparently Michael O'Leary walked into a Dublin bar and ordered a pint of Guinness, to which the barman replied "that'll be 50 cents please" O'Leary, not believing his luck, said "My, that's mighty cheap" to which the barman replied...."Oh....were you wanting a glass with that......?"


TO BE CONTINUED.................................

Friday, 4 June 2010

WE ARE HAPPY TO LIVE HERE



That is what nine out of ten expats living in Spain have said in a recent survey, according to the Olive Press magazine. They say that to achieve a better work-life balance with much more leisure time is much easier here.

Contrary to reports that the recession is driving Brits home, seven per cent fewer expatriates are planning to return to the UK then two years ago.

Official government figures confirm that Spain has registered a 19 per cent rise in the number of homes sold compared to this time last year. And the latest figures from the National Statistics institute revealed that the British resident population in Spain grew by 11,500 in 2009.

In spite of the crisis, in spite of unemployment, in spite of deficits…….. expats still are happy living here, it has merit indeed!

In this video some expats in Costa Blanca tell us
about their reasons to live here

And this is a video of  BBC TV program
"Little Britain" related to this ..........
Nice weekend for everyone with a smile!

(Please, remember to silence the Ipod first)


Sunday, 18 April 2010

SOME JOKES TO CHEER UP A GLOOMY SUNDAY AFTERNOON


In a Sunday gloomy afternoon like this in Madrid and without the volcanic cloud over here yet, I've thought some humour would be nice to cheer us up a little with these jokes that a friend has recently sent me ...........

  •  My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.  And then the fight started..

  •  Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,"The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied,"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" 
         And that's how the fight started...


  • My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.
         And then the fight started...
  • When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive.........so, I took her to a petrol station. 
         And then the fight started...


  • My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
          And then the fight started...
  • I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself."
         And then the fight started...


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